Before You Vist Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Vist The Toilet

I know you are wondering why I had to shout that in caps. Believe me, if Facebook had an option to make it bold I would make it. Let me tell you why.

In 1940, I visited my girlfriend Sandra at their home to know their family before me and my ancestors make a formal visit to ask for her hand in “forever yours” business and exchange cliche statements. Sandra was half Muganda half Germany and they lived in Kololo of those days.

Her parents were happy to see me that they served me all kinds of foods that my blackness couldn’t identify.

Let me take you back to my place. On my way out of the house, my rectum was suggesting that it feels like dumping but the urge wasn’t really intense to make the emergency visit to the toilet so I proceed with my walk from Seeta to Kampala. Transport was hard then but walking wasn’t a big issue either. All you needed was an extra shirt in a kaveera to wear when you are about to reach the gate so that you look fresh.

20 minutes into my visit, My whole sitting assistant was on fire, ready to open up and release unwanted digested food. I asked for a toilet and I was led inside the main house to the visitor’s gents. At my age, then 30 (do not calculate my age), I had never seen a toilet you sit on and flash. I was used to ours where you squat and business is done.

I dumped unwanted things and now the real drama was flashing. My millet waste in the bowel looked at me so stiff and I was wondering how to make it disappear. I spent 40mins and my girlfriend Sandra started to worry, in fact, she came and checked on me and I responded saying I was fine. She went back.

Reader, I was not about to ashame myself. Luck on my side, the toilet had a window that a human could go through. I climbed on top of the bowel, jumped behind the house and run through the Christmas tree fence (for those who know Prince Charles drive plot…).

Until today, Sandra does not know whether the toilet swallowed me or not but what I know is the toilet caused our breakup.

I have also heard that by then she was pregnant for me and she gave birth to a girl who is a former member of parliament in the UK.

Now I’m here just watching people treck on #DSTV trying to remind their subjects how the war went.

I’m also here to tell you how the relationship ended.

Yours in Shame,
Ssebintu Daron

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